NOTE: Still needs to be checked! (Sorry Mike) - Arnoud ------------------------------------------------------ THE OFFICIAL DUCKMAN QUOTE LIST SEASON The First "What the hell are YOU starin' at!?!" compiled by Mike Malin (ai158@detroit.freenet.org) I, DUCKMAN ---------- Bernice - You were suppose to get your dog neutered, I caught him looking looking funny at the hamster again! Ajax - Yeast cakes! Every bite a nutritional pot-pourri. Duckman - I brake for animals... if they're big enough to dent my car. Duckman - What the hell are YOU starin' at!?! Fluffy - Hello Mr. Duckman. Being aware of your little digestive problem we made you a bran muffin and a mug of steaming liquid grit. Uranus - Be good to your bowels, and they will be good to you. Cornfed - I'd dream I fell & hurt my head my head on a fishbowl, hurt myself just bad enough to work graveyard shift at a convience store. A group of Hari Krishnas always came in at 4am and bought 16 gallons of Mr. Slushi and a package of banana flavored Ding Dongs, then the Swedish Bikini Team jumped out of a magazine and read Moby Dick to me inside a giant carton of cottage cheese. Why? I'd ask myself, what could it mean? Am I mad or is the world just a mystery to complex to understand? Ajax - Is it possible to love a sandwich so much you don't want to eat it, cause then it'll be gone? Duckman - Play with tigers, you get covered in yellow hair. Cornfed - No one else could have created the family you did... I mean that in a good way. TV OR NOT TO BE --------------- Ajax - Oh Oh. Yet again I have loaded Aunt Bernices' priceless Ming Dynasy china in the trash compactor. Miracle - I had fleas and ticks but I bathed in low fat milk boy and now I only have ticks. Duckman - Sure, when my butt starts singing show tunes. Ajax - Dod's a detective? Cornfed - Interesting how the need for substance in an unexamined life often times leads to gulibility. Duckman - Forget Mother Mirabelle. This crowd needs father Thorazine. Duckman - She's a bigger ripoff than those talk to a nympho in prison hotlines that double charge you on your phone bill when they know you can't do a thing about it cause you can't tell anyone you called them in the first place.... So I heard. Mother Mirabelle - Make a move and you're dead meat. Duckman - Does wetting myself count as moving? Duckman - Miracle Schmiracle, I bet those mindless pod people who believe in that thing still wait up for the tooth fairy. Fluffy - Why shouldn't they? Duckman - Because he's rotting in a Turkish jail! Duckman - Hmm boy! Just smell that art. Yessiry this is just the break I needed after a long day of making art and being insane. Duckman - I don't know art but I know what I like..... BREATHING!! Duckman - Wait! Could you stamp my hand so I could get back in? GRIPES OF WRATH --------------- Mombo - Does a high ranking religious figure evecuate his bowels in a wooded area? Ajax - I thought we were going out for Flan? Prof. Provenheim - I am here to introduce you to the greatest advance in civilization in this century. Ajax - CONDOMS! They held a vote at school. Duckman - I got a question. How come they can put a man on the moon, but they can't make a deoderant that works past lunch? Duckman - Hummana Hummana Howwa Cornfed - Either you're babbling, or you just told me in Cherokee that my scrotum was many colored. Duckman - Its like a dream..... Not the naked contortionist on the glass table top kind of dream.... but not bad. Ajax - DOD, AUNT BERNICE, Good news. I made the honor role. Bernice - Splendid. Duckman - WHAT? You're barely multi-celled. Duckman - Hummana Hummana Howwa Bernice - I didn't know you spoke Cherokee. Duckman - Maybe it is a perfect world.... but why are my butt feathers standing on end? Cornfed - Easy Duckman, I know over two hundered ways to kill a man. Sherry - You could glue an open jar of rats to his face, then blow torch the other side of the jar so the rats have to eat their way out through his face. Cornfed - Two hundered one Bernice - You spent the last six days watchin that video tape where she learns what all her vacuum attachments are for. Sherry - You said you erased that! Cornfed - Erased, ran off thousands of copies... it's such a fine line. Duckman - Stay away from my kids Chock-n-full-of-nutsen. Provenheim - PROVENHEIM! Duckman - Once again I've outwitted a pitfully inadequate opponent by staying one step ahead of em. How exactly did I do that? Charles - What we're saying is that the most perfect world is an imperfect world as the imperfections give people a reason to strive to change it. PSYCHE ------ Cornfed - The look promises a night of comparing hard to find birth-marks in a hot bubble bath, but all you get is a slap in the face and a cold shower. Duckman - How hard a slap? Duckman - I've seen plenty of guys with smaller bills than me.... not that I look at other guys bills. Duckman - Cornfed, do you think I'm attractive? Cornfed - Sorry Duckman, I don't date people I work with. Cornfed - I need to learn how to awaken the sexual beast that lies dormant in every woman's soul waiting to transform her into a lusting creature of unbridled passion. Pulling at me. Tugging at me. Yelling TAKE ME CORNFED, MAKE ME YOUR LOVE SLAVE!!! Cornfed - Mini golf put me through Dental school. Cornfed - We went back to their house. Duckman - Their HOUSE! Details, gimme details! Cornfed - A-frame, two-and-a-half baths, exposed brick fireplace... Duckman - I'm very sexually active. Mistress Nina - With another person? Duckman - Oh.... No. Mistress Nina - Confidence is the third door on the left. GLAND OF OPPORTUNITY -------------------- Bernice - Ohh... That man makes my elbows sweat. Duckman - Wait a minute! Hold it! I gotta think about operations ever since that little appendectomy mishap. Good thing I already had kids. Duckman - I'm starting to get the strangest urges. Bernice - You said you'd see a therapist if those ever came back!!! Duckman - Not THOSE urges. Duckman - I've got thrills to seek, deaths to defy, matress tags to tear off. Duckman - Can it and sell it to someone else Bacon Boy. If I were interested in science I wouldn't have spent all that classroom time at the porno arcade. Duckman - ZOIK. If you ask me she's something of an eyesore. Ajax - We're not even ashamed to be sitting with you when you're picking at your underwear in public. Principle - Duckman! You're a half an hour late. Duckman - And I should be feeling what exactly? Cornfed - In fifteen minutes he and his kids are going to attempt an incredibly dangerous stunt where he'll probably plummet to his death on national television if I don't stop him. Attendant - Got time for a quicky? Cornfed - Sure, those things never start on time anyway. RIDE THE HIGH SCHOOL -------------------- Ajax - Hey! Someone!... The esclator stopped! I'm Stuck!... Somebody? Duckman - The boy is fifteen years old. He still hasn't mastered the four slice toaster. Duckman - I was attacked, beaten, left for dead. Bernice - I told you not to join a record and tape club. Duckman - Goodnight Ber.... Bernice - AHHHH!!!!! Duckman - BRRRR! YUCK! It'll be a long time before I eat Broccoli again. Duckman - Duckman. Duckman with a D. In fact PHD. Loveology. Perhaps you'd care to stay after class while I grade on your curves? Duckman - Alright, let's go. These candies melt, I can't use them as slugs in the toll basket. Cornfed - Norman Rockwell on acid. Cornfed - Sometimes after an electrical storm I see in five dimensions. why are the sixty of you looking at me like that? King Chicken - The students, professors, all animatrons, robots. Duckman - Even Deanna, that lovely coed? King Chicken - Nope! I've never been able to make breasts. She's a muppet. Duckman - Ohh! To be Frank Oz for a day! Duckman - Come here chicken & prepare to meet your colonel! A CIVIL WAR ----------- Duckman - Thin-skinned no-humor pansies! You tell 'em an ice breaker or two about women-libbers, gays, environmentalists, several minorities, the homeless, a couple of religions, anorexics, obese people, the handicapped, old-farts, baldness and people who walk real goofy 'cause they just had a vasectomy and suddenly they get all sensitive! Like I offended one of them or something? Cornfed - Any ex-wandering troubadour slash hostage negotiator could've done it" Cornfed - I was once kidnapped by a cabal of kick-boxing Ninja who forced me nightly to play a deadly game of steel cage basketball where the losers where beheaded. Duckman - Yea... well... I bet there wasn't a shot clock. Duckman - Sorry, I didn't hear you, I was staring at your breasts. Cornfed - Could I use the restroom first? Bob - Sure you can't miss it. Make a right at the cow bone grinding and marrow extraction room, a quick left at the chicken squeezing ovum cracking pit and then a sharp circle round the gobstopper and gizzard suction chamber. Cornfed - I'll hold it in. Bob - Your job is just to sort the mail. If you can hold on to it, Cornfed - Got any napkins? Bob - NAPKINS! That's brilliant. Bob - I didn't count on an undercover pig being on me like pee on a bum's shoes. NOT-SO-EASY RIDERS ------------------ Cornfed - You're aware that while it affords one the momentary illusion of satisfaction, the spewing of bile is never a permanent solution. Duckman - If I wanted a lecture about money I coulda waited till Sunday and stolen from the collection plate again. (open door) thump Ajax - OW (open door) thump Ajax - OW (open door) thump Ajax - OW Duckman - Step away from the door, then pull. Agent Dennehy - Hands to the sky duckbreath. There's a cavity search with your name on it. Cornfed - Duckman, maybe you should try distracting them by doing what Pee Wee Herman did in that movie. Duckman - First of all I don't think it's appropriate, second I'm not really in the mood. Duckman - I ever tell you my dad's last words to me? Cornfed - Careful son, I don't think the safety is on. Duckman - Before that! Duckman - I can't believe they shared their girlfriends withus Corny! I just spent the night with the sexiest, most insatiable, voluptious, adventureous, least inhibited women I've ever met! If she didn't suddenly get a headache... Woo Hoo! there's no telling what wild and taudry escapades we might have experienced. How was your night? Cornfed - Like yours... minus the headache. Agent Dennehy spreads his arms wide Bernice - My God! How do you get your pants on? Agent Dennehy - I mean stretch out the phone call. Ajax - Mmm ... a gumball... how fortutious IT'S THE THING OF THE PRINCIPLE ------------------------------- knock knock knock Bernice - Who is it? Ajax - Ajax Bernice - You don't have to knock here, You can just come in here. Ajax - I knew there was one house I could do that at. Cornfed - I moisturize Ajax - Hey everyone, it's Farmer Brown of Farmer Brown's Sausage Sticks. His meat like products are gristlicious. Duckman - It looks a lot worse than it actually is. Cornfed - Not unlike nipple clamps. Duckman - Hummana Hummana Howwa Vanessa - Very impressive Mr. Duckman, but why are you telling me in Cherokee that you have racoons in your pants? Duckman - OK, Final Offer! 500 Bucks to do a couple of jumping jacks and I don't even have to be in the room... just phone me and tell me when you do em! Duckman - Actually my biggest fantasy involves you, liver loaf and a pack of starving rotwillers! Ajax - I'd hoped for your blessing dod, but I'm old enough to make decisions on my own. Aren't I?? Bernice - Little bubbly? Duckman - I know, it's the water jets plus that damn digestive problem of mine. I... mm... you didn't mean the water did ya? AMERICAN DICKS -------------- Fluffy - Mr. Duckman your carton of Itch-away Rectal Cream just arrived and your test results are here. The doctor hasn't identified your lesions but he's ruled out cold sores! Cornfed - Before I met Duckman I was at a crossroads, soul searching, looking for my place in this endless puzzel we call life... You ever wake up in a Cambodian gaming parlour and realize you were living in a dark dank abyss of emptyness and loneliness, then wander the mountains of Asia for two years until you became the chef in a Tibetian monestary? Cameraman - I just asked what kind of detective Duckman is. Cornfed - ... oh... Duckman - Don't respect you...? I brought you the hand towel didn't I? Duckman - Mayor Whitman!! The man who brought honesty and fairness to municiple politics, the man who clensed city hall of corruption, the man I voted for SIX times in the last election? Duckman - If there's the fettid funk of crime within a mile of here I'll smell it out. Duckman - What do ya think of that Corny? You're workin for the Biggest American Dick ever! Ajax - Ew look, a choclate bar.... EW! This isn't a choclate bar. CELLAR BEWARE *****????**** eus what manner of deviltry is this? I mean... what gives? Duckman - What the hell are YOU starin at?!! Duckman - Flaming this, blend and brew that. What ever happened to the manly drinks? The kind that made you go blind, puke till you drop, then wake up three days later married to the daughter of some overly protective father who would pay you to get it annuled. Duckman - We've never been robbed because I'm the king of my castle, I've got the dangling modifiers in this English class. Ajax - Robbed?! Then that would mean the TV isn't there. I thought it was stuck on one of those cable access shows where nothing ever happens. Ajax - They left the dustballs?? Duckman - Watch it Bernice, you're stepping on my head. Bernice - Like I can do any more damage. Interlopen Furher 2000 - Intruder detected in basement. Explosive device will detonate in ten minutes reducing intruders to lifeless piles of smouldering ash. Ajax - Bad news for those intruders huh? Duckman - I want to say something I've never said before.... Ajax - Stinky pinky bottle of inky.... What? He has said it before? ABOUT FACE ---------- Duckman - An angel, Cornfed, one phone call and I was swept away. She is everything I ever hoped for in a woman. Cornfed - Low standards? Duckman - I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Cornfed - So, you going to spend the rest of your life waxing your own board or are you going to call her back? Ajax - Hi dod, what ya doing? Duckman (lighting a cigarette) - Throwing my life away on an overpriced marketing phenomena tha will leave me bed ridden, tumorous and politically incorrect. Ajax - Oh... I wish *I* had a hobby. Cornfed - You're dating an ugly women, aren't you? Duckman - How did you know? Cornfed - I've fished out of that pond myself. Duckman - She's hideous! She's got a face that would scatter a leper colony. You gotta look at her through a box with a little hole in it. Duckman - I finally found a woman I can love and respect. Look, her eyes point in the same direction. Duckman - Let it ring. JOKING THE CHICKEN ------------------ Duckman - Life is cheap. Cornfed - Tell me about it, just last week I was in a bar talking to a white slaver. Duckman - Beats the heck out of some quack charging me through the bill, just to grope a bunch of places I don't even touch.... Hardly ever. Duckman - You! The son of poor Okey Mountain pigs. How'd you afford med school? Cornfed - Two words... Vivisection volunteer. Sure it hurt, but I'm told as a result of banging me on the head with a large hammer and then slicing open my stomach and digging around in my insides they were able to rule out two theories on why fat people perspire. Duckman - Oh... a worthy cause, so shall we get on with it. Cornfed - Bend over, grab the desk & grit your teeth. Duckman - Oh Right! Like I was the only guy to laugh at the joke about the gay midget with the cleft pallet. Duckman - Funny is a wiffle ball bat in the gazongas, or a little super glue on a tooth brush.. King Chicken - Relax, you got the best seat in the house. Duckman - I appreciate the compliment, but I don't swing that way.