T H E S T O R Y S T O R E Digital Databank BBS --------------------------- -( Quintin Parker )---------------------------------------------( 15 Nov 1996 ) This is The Story Store! Someone'll write the beginning of a story... don't just exit, carry it on! :-) Once upon a time -( Neil Kearns )------------------------------------------------( 19 Jan 1997 ) There was a fish called monty, and he liked to -( Bradley Smith )----------------------------------------------( 20 Jan 1997 ) Swim about in his fish bowl ;) Then, Monty... -( Neil Kearns )------------------------------------------------( 21 Jan 1997 ) didn't want to, so he -( David Cutting )----------------------------------------------( 21 Jan 1997 ) decided to get out of his bowl and into the real world. So, he decided, he needed some legs. First thing the next morning he set about the problem... -( Stuart Nicholls )--------------------------------------------( 21 Jan 1997 ) by poping down to the local ice land shop and asked a spotty young youth where he might be able to purchase some legs. The boy was not very helpful and told him to....... -( Claudia Lane )-----------------------------------------------( 24 Jan 1997 ) stay in his little fishy bowl, before he ends up on someones dinner plate. The spotty young youth went up to the little fish and he..... -( Quintin Parker )---------------------------------------------( 25 Jan 1997 ) felt hungry, so he picked up the bowl, and set it down on the hob in the back in the shop. He lit the hob and almost immediately the inside of the bowl began to steam up and it became covered in soot... The fish was beginning to think that something was seriously wrong here, thought about it for a while, but because goldfish only have a span of attention that last only eight seconds, he was really in a spot of bother. The water inside the goldfish bowl began to boil... Suddenly there was a knock at the back door and -( Owen Shave )-------------------------------------------------( 25 Jan 1997 ) Owen came in!! yeah! i'm baaaaack! Hello Quinin Owen yelled as he strolled larger than life into the shop .. the spotty youth ;) answered 'oh hi owen :)' and the goldfish started to go a sorta whitey colour however the... -( Quintin Parker )---------------------------------------------( 26 Jan 1997 ) young man who had just entered the shop suddenly realised the error he had made when he saw that Quintin was in fact not a spotty youth at all, but a 38 year-old director of an international travel insurance corporation. `So what are you doing in Iceland, then, Quintin?' asked Owen. `Umm, I'm, er, looking after this fish,' said Quintin, quickly standing in front of the gas hob, but failing miserably to conceal it. The fish, bored with all of this, promptly turned into a plate of battered cod and chips, which tasted -( David Llewelyn )---------------------------------------------( 26 Jan 1997 ) Strangley like cod and chips. OF cause at this point in time Quintin was infact stoned ut of his mind and didn't know what was going on. So to the rescue came The Shaman from Apocalypse who promptly took out the pocket grenade launcher he had buil last summer, loaded one dark green cartrige into it, stood the other side of the road next to Sainsbury's and fired with incredible accuracy, it went clean through the air vent, through the cooler system and came out in the popcorn stand. It then exploded -( Paul Raine )-------------------------------------------------( 26 Jan 1997 ) ...and splatered everthing a dark green colour. Then he realised that he had fired a pen cartridge not an explosive cartridge. Quintin then said 'Young man do stop being so utterly violent, and get a good nickname too'. The shamen then put on his headband and flying kicked Quintin in the... -( Matthew Stone )----------------------------------------------( 26 Jan 1997 ) Manchester branch of Asda, which was a big suprise to both of them. Later over a cup of tea Quintin told his good friend Sooty the glove puppet about his terrible problem with the dreded piles. After a long hard think Sooty realized that Quintin's hand was no longer up his bottom and imediatly fell over. Quintin had gone off to his weekly clog dancing lessons, on his way past Iceland he saw the little gold fish again, they then sad down and had a /s -( Owen Shave )-------------------------------------------------( 28 Jan 1997 ) close brush with death as a car passed. 'What the bleep are you doing in the middle of the road yelled the driver who just so happened to be Owen .. yup the budget doesn't run to another actor yet. Getting out of the car Owen takes out an original series comunicator and says'beam us up Scotty' and the three of them ended up on Princess street edinburgh .. they then proceded to run down princess street taking all sorts of chemicals ripping off a famous locomotive viewing film.. -( David Llewelyn )---------------------------------------------( 28 Jan 1997 ) The Shaman suddenly burst into the street, white powder all over his face, and slaped the three coming donw the street with a cumberland sausage. Suddenly they realised that they were in fact in The Shaman's home town of Parkgate getting atacked by bird watchers. The Shaman invited them all to his house when he gave them tea and acid and they all listened to Alex Reece's `Acid Lab` in the Shaman's expensive stereo. The neighboors came round to complain about the massive BASS and -( Matthew Stone )----------------------------------------------( 28 Jan 1997 ) that amazingly there was a chicken on the roof. The chicken clucked about on the roof abit and then spread its wings and glided down on to the street but miss calculated it's angle of decent and crash in to France, which was on holiday there. The Shaman wiggled his finger and spoke so incomprehencible words (the words were in german), nothing happened then suddenly nothing continued to happen! At the home of Sooty the glove puppet nothing happend, infact nothing happened -( Gerbilsoft )-------------------------------------------------( 29 Jan 1997 ) anywhere in the world. Then the Shamen realised that all he ever talked about was drugs, which are a bit sad really, thus deciding to get a life. He started going to rehabilitation classes and soon he was even able to... -( Matthew Stone )----------------------------------------------( 29 Jan 1997 ) think about one thing for more than a minute. After about two, three years the world started turning again and all was well, or as well as it can be. In these two, three years the Shamen had lerent alot and had changed his name to fred and started a little weather spot on one of those aful day time TV show, where he had a big map and wore a jumper. Mean while sheep had been found to aliens from a doomed planet, trying to find a home. More and more sheep started arriving from this planet. Then... -( David Llewelyn )---------------------------------------------( 30 Jan 1997 ) The Shaman got his Zuzzi out, and gunned all the sheep to death, but not, he realised he was firing custard bullets! And all that was happening was that the sheep were infact getting very sticky. Realising his mistake the Shaman went round Paul Raine's house and laffed at his squirtyness before hitting him with an inflatable banana. PAul Raine cried to his mommy and was given -( Matthew Stone )----------------------------------------------( 30 Jan 1997 ) a crow for christmas... -( David Llewelyn )---------------------------------------------( 31 Jan 1997 ) Which he proceded to shuv up his bum in the hope of getting sexually aroused. Naturally being imputent Paul Raine got no effect. He also had not realised that the white powder over the Shaman's face was infact icing sugar as he had been making a cake. The Shaman got his teleporter out and -( Quintin Parker )---------------------------------------------( 31 Jan 1997 ) suddenly realised that his name was in actual fact Sharon, and he had been spelling it wrong for his entire life. He then got a job with Tracy behind the perfume counter in Marks & Spencers in Stratford, where he spent a happy four years secretly taking home perfumes and distilling them to get the alcohol out of them. At the end of the four years, he was found dead in his flat, and nobody found him for twelve days. Gareth put down the newspaper article he read, written by P. Raine, thinking -( David Llewelyn )---------------------------------------------( 01 Feb 1997 ) God, what a wonker (substitute o for a) that Paul Raine must be, for the Shaman will never die, he is no mortal, everybody with any intelligence whatsoever knows he is immortal, he the human race's sentient being! The Shamn then burst into the room and shouted `Yes, you have exposed me` Putting his clothes back on, the Shaman started to plot -( Neil Kearns )------------------------------------------------( 01 Feb 1997 ) to blow up the (WOW! I'VE BEEN UN-BANNED!!) -( Irene Simpson )----------------------------------------------( 01 Feb 1997 ) queens house ( I can't remember what it is called > When he had planted the explosives the ground began to shake. He looked up and the saw Mark Evans running towards him shouting that there was a giant marshmellow heading his y. Mark was so frightened that he............. -( Neil Kearns )------------------------------------------------( 01 Feb 1997 ) immediatly soiled his pants, therefore.... -( Irene Simpson )----------------------------------------------( 01 Feb 1997 ) his mother found out and started screaming to him "HOW DARE YOU SOIL YOUR PANTS THE NEXT TIME YOU DO THAT I'LL....... /S -( Neil Kearns )------------------------------------------------( 02 Feb 1997 ) MAKE YOU EAT IT! he was so scared he.. -( Irene Simpson )----------------------------------------------( 02 Feb 1997 ) immediatly peed in his... -( David Llewelyn )---------------------------------------------( 04 Feb 1997 ) Flower bed. Irene started to comfort the poor flowers as they died under the toxic pish Fifty inflatable sausages then surrounded her brandishing -( Neil Kearns )------------------------------------------------( 06 Feb 1997 ) Real sausages which they startedd to cook in her garden. She was naturally distressed, and therefore... -( Bradley Smith )----------------------------------------------( 07 Feb 1997 ) decided to.. -( Quintin Parker )---------------------------------------------( 08 Feb 1997 ) go on the magic spaceship to Button Moon. There they met Mr. Wobble, who made a lifelong friendship with The Shaman. Five years later, they had a reunion, where they all went to -( Neil Kearns )------------------------------------------------( 08 Feb 1997 ) Alton Towers, so they could vmit a lot. But then... sumthing horrible happened! Somethng jumped out of a tree! It was... -( Irene Simpson )----------------------------------------------( 09 Feb 1997 ) Niel Kearns in a monkey suit. he said that he wanted to become one with the monkeys because..... -( Gerbilsoft )-------------------------------------------------( 12 Feb 1997 ) ...he loved bannas sooooo much that heeven stuck em in his ears. Then Irene realised she was actually looking in a mirror......oh no she though, what ever will i do now! I can't go round looking like a monkey. Then she had a brillient idea... -( Quintin Parker )---------------------------------------------( 13 Feb 1997 ) But before she could put it into practise, Sheryl Crow came along and bought the rights to the entire story, in order to use it in one of her new songs. This left everybody feeling more than a little unhappy, because they had to start a new story. Once upon a time there was a man in a biscuit tin who -( Neil Kearns )------------------------------------------------( 13 Feb 1997 ) used to lick Mrs. Badcrumble's.... -( Emma Scott )-------------------------------------------------( 15 Feb 1997 ) ...dirty dishes as there was no sink or dishwasher inside the tin. Anyway,one day Mr Digestive decided he had to breakout of the tin he called home to move on to better things as he secertly wanted to find his fortunein television doing... -( Paul Raine )-------------------------------------------------( 15 Feb 1997 ) ...a jig on top of a fig while kissing a pig. Then Mr Digestive met Mrs Boubon. They got married and were just about to consumate the relationship when... -( Irene Simpson )----------------------------------------------( 15 Feb 1997 ) The neewly Mrs Bourbon-Digestive's ex-husband came knocking on their door. Mr Cookie was soo mad that he ate Mr. Digestive then his ex-wife. THE END Once there was a Blackcurrant Lolly-pop..... -( Quintin Parker )---------------------------------------------( 16 Feb 1997 ) who presented Top Gear. He was driving along happily in a Yugo one day round a roundabout when Jon Wright came up right next to him, nearly missed him, then disappeared down an exit. `Right!' thought the blackcurrant lolly pop. `I'll shhow him!' and promptly followed him, preparing his dastardly plan, which was to creep up behind him and -( Irene Simpson )----------------------------------------------( 16 Feb 1997 ) smack him around the face but a four year old called Jamie picked up the and ate him. Once inside the boy th lollypop... -( Neil Kearns )------------------------------------------------( 17 Feb 1997 ) mutaded into a beef stew, and ate his way out of the boy's stomach, leaving him a pile of bones. Ewheheheheheheee. Anyway, the beef stew decided to go to... -( Paul Raine )-------------------------------------------------( 21 Feb 1997 ) ...and contribute to the STORY STORE. The beef stew realised that Quintin Parker hadn't even made a full version yet! Then he went to the spray wall and it crashed many time. Blast that Dane, he thought. So the beef stew went to talk to the freindly sysop, who was of course busy doing something, but foundtime to talk anyway. Now the beef stew decided to go to Gerbilsoft PD where he found... -( Ben Jefferys )-----------------------------------------------( 22 Feb 1997 ) gerbils no doubt. Then the animate stew realised that what he was doing was illegal or something. Fearing imprisonment he stopped at once. He found the nearest Radio Rentals and hired out three pizzas and a piece of paper, with which to occupy himself that night, when he planned to... -( Paul Raine )-------------------------------------------------( 22 Feb 1997 ) ...go to hell and make freinds with the devil. (After watching Joe on eastenders he thought he might see wheather he really was Satan. Then he... -( Bradley Smith )----------------------------------------------( 23 Feb 1997 ) decided to... -( Mark Evans )-------------------------------------------------( 25 Feb 1997 ) To think to himself. He thought how comes all people who enter storys here, always make the lead character turn into an allien, eat something strange or eat themselves. He wondered why the stories cant be more interlectural and orignal. So in order to shcnage the situation, he visted An open university meeting to learn about astro physics. He was so delighted that the lead character had some IQ that he decided to....... -( Mark Judd )--------------------------------------------------( 25 Feb 1997 ) Turn into an Alien (Sorry Mark). The alien then went to a football match where a goal had just been scored and thought to himself 'Are these people jumping up and down because a goal had been scored? Then he....... -( Mark Wallace )-----------------------------------------------( 25 Feb 1997 ) went to a Lightning Seeds concert and became so infuriated at the bland music the crap drumming and Ian's unbelievably bad voice that he became hypnotised and changed into Quintin Parker, the boy with the strange powers of thinking he's funny, then he....... -( Gerbilsoft )-------------------------------------------------( 27 Feb 1997 ) commited sucicide. Once upon a...oh stuff that. Ten years from now, there was a planet. A planet that had no gravity and no oxygen. There were no inhabitents of the planet until one day when nasa invented... -( Bradley Smith )----------------------------------------------( 27 Feb 1997 ) Another Mark to carry on the pattern of having so many Mark's writing here ;) )))) Then... -( Andrew Titman )----------------------------------------------( 01 Mar 1997 ) somebody thought. Stuff this and changed the subject out of all proportions and so here they were a group,of boys the only survivors of a plane crash which had crashed onto an uninhabited tropical island whilst on a course evacuating from where a nuclear bomb was about to be dropped... -( Quintin Parker )---------------------------------------------( 01 Mar 1997 ) Quintin took exception at this, and introduced a few girls into the survivors as well. However, this still did not disguise the fact that they were in a little bit of a pickle. Ian, Angie, Chris, Martyn, Becky, Simon and Clive split up to explore the island to see if they could happen upon any portals to another world, or a spacecraft, or some chocolate, or anything. They had barely hours to go when Ian came across something that he and everybpody else could change the world with ... it was a guitar ... -( Mark Wallace )-----------------------------------------------( 01 Mar 1997 ) The rest of the survivors burned the guitar just in case Ian even thought of playing it, creating mass hysteria. Then Quintin introduced a few more girls into the story, for that is the only way he could ever meet one: in his mind, then he... -( Steven Gregory )---------------------------------------------( 02 Mar 1997 ) evapourated spontaneously. This was the only thing wierd enough to bring Gillian Anderson into his life. That bloke she keeps hanging around just said "Wibble" and went away, so they were left alone, but he was confused and didn't know what to do. He first condensed into his former self, and on seeing what an ugly bloke he was, Gillian just said... -( Robert Purchase )--------------------------------------------( 03 Mar 1997 ) "Coo blimey, that's bloke's a bit strange really." And left. So Quentin was left back on his island all alone, so he... -( Davey Smith )------------------------------------------------( 03 Mar 1997 ) decided to build a boat out of sand, trees and some of his body parts. After several months and body parts he finally made the boat now all he needed was some fuel. So he... -( Neil Kearns )------------------------------------------------( 04 Mar 1997 ) decided to use his own excrement. But... -( Mark Judd )--------------------------------------------------( 04 Mar 1997 ) That did'nt really do the trick (Much to his surprise). In his despair he swam to the shore. He arrived in Africa and some natives ate him. No, he was dreaming. What really happened was..... -( Steven Gregory )---------------------------------------------( 04 Mar 1997 ) he met with a retinal fluid sucking vampire who removed his retinal fluid. He went blind. At least, thats his excuse, but then, he's never met a real girl before and we are sure that Gillian Anderson had something to do with it... -( Jean Judd )--------------------------------------------------( 09 Mar 1997 ) NEW STORY!!!! A guy called Guy went down a street called Street ST. He fell into a well. then he tripped over a duck and said.... -( Syed Ansar )-------------------------------------------------( 09 Mar 1997 ) Man I have BIg boolloxs!!!!!! -( Mark Wallace )-----------------------------------------------( 10 Mar 1997 ) " I wax furiously" and then he time travelled back to England in 1900, overthrew the monarchy and ensured communism ruled throughout Britain. Cor, then he... -( Mark Judd )--------------------------------------------------( 11 Mar 1997 ) Time travelled into the future. This was a time were West Ham had won the FA Cup 30 times in 30 seasons and were the best team in the world. (Now he really was dreaming!!!!). Anyway, while in the future he met.... -( Davey Smith )------------------------------------------------( 11 Mar 1997 ) Adolf hitlers great great great great great great etc grandson. They got talking and our hero realized that hitlers grandson (who i call Mark Judd) had only one testicle. Our hero then realized he had left a light on back at his house and soon would be facing a large bill. So he...../s -( Mark Judd )--------------------------------------------------( 11 Mar 1997 ) Remembered that he was quoting from Red Dwarf (The smeg'ed) and stayed in the future. He then met Dave Smith who had no testicles. He had two growths on the front of his body. Back in the future he came onto Digital Databank where a guy called Mark Judd was telling Dave Smith not to meet at college!! Then.. -( Mark Evans )-------------------------------------------------( 14 Mar 1997 ) Syed Ansar walked into ( erm... where ever they were ) and said " HEy ! I ve just had a wicked wax !" Syed then went up to Mark W and asked him the best waxing tips !. Mark Wallace thought no, ive gotta better things to do and he went off and funnly enought meet Quinten Parker...... Mark then decided he would do something to Quinten this was.............. -( Davey Smith )------------------------------------------------( 14 Mar 1997 ) Rather unpleasent so its best not to mention it. Our hero then decided to visit the dark ages. While there he .... -( Mark Wallace )-----------------------------------------------( 15 Mar 1997 ) waxed again and again. And then he met Mark Evans, who was also waxing (no change there then) and threw Ward into his face, they then proceeded to follow the dazzling electrolytes to the moon where they waxed and swopped waxing and Saxon tips and ate cheese. Then Gavin... -( Mark Evans )-------------------------------------------------( 15 Mar 1997 ) thought to himself " cor one bit of chese thats all Mark W eats in a week and even then he chucks it up afterwards". Gavin was justing getting out one of his 80 pages colour, when Mark W flew down and stole it offf him. He then had a plan. He flew back down to Earth and arrange ANOTHER Wax practise. ( sorry i mean band practise). The main item planned was for Mark, Greg and Nick to wax over the 80 pages together ! They soon become exhausted so they decided to............... /s -( Philip Dickenson )-------------------------------------------( 15 Mar 1997 ) do something more iteresting an went outside just like Mark Evans and Mark Wallace should do so after going outside they met a man called John, who was ..... -( Steven Gregory )---------------------------------------------( 15 Mar 1997 ) An overly tall farmer, whose real name was Lurch, living under the false name of Quintin. Lurch enjoyed the company of strange wooly animals who he refused to dilvulge the identity of. He was however offering these animals at a very reasonable price with the promise that they would do anything asked for. There was a deluxe model which could... -( Mark Wallace )-----------------------------------------------( 16 Mar 1997 ) The everyone laughed at Philip for his hilarious, but only because they are ironic, comments. Then Mark Evans proceeded to wax over his game of C&C. STATTO STATTO. Then he went to see Colombia, all at once, then he.. -( Davey Smith )------------------------------------------------( 16 Mar 1997 ) Thought what is it about waxing that everyone seems to like writting about. Anyway he then decided to try to kill off the entire hamster population so he packed his 45 and his pump action shotgun and headed for the nearest pet shop Once there he..... -( Mark Evans )-------------------------------------------------( 16 Mar 1997 ) thought no ill play C&C and whip Mark W as he is so rubbish at it ! He then thought that killing hamsters would be fun. Yeah, he when right up to the hamster and blew his head off. He then thought " Hey i can use the body for a door stop " Amazed at his new invention he decided to visit one of the world wide famous Digibank meets. He pulled out his gun and looked for someone, this person was not to be Mark Wallace or Mark Evans as they do not attend the bashes, he was to kill......... -( Mark Wallace )-----------------------------------------------( 17 Mar 1997 ) then Mark proceeded to go on and on about band practice (sorry wax practice) bacause he is so jealous, and he then proceeded to explode because he couldnt get his hands on Nick, much to the crys and jeers of STATTO STATTO STATTO. Then he... -( Robbie Record )----------------------------------------------( 17 Mar 1997 ) ..suddenly decided that he would have an adventure. He would forget all about C&C and STATTO. Everyone said how cool his new image was, and so he packed his things in a bag and set off for the distant land of... -( Ian Harper )-------------------------------------------------( 19 Mar 1997 ) Barnsley, where he set up his own maggot farm which he had always wanted. Everything was going right until a naughty northern pop star with a floppy fringe came to his maggot farm and -( Steven Gregory )---------------------------------------------( 22 Mar 1997 ) ...started eating his maggots. "This won't do", said he, and decided to get hid friend Quintin back into the story. He arrived on the farm the next day with a pair of rose-tinted shades, and -( Ian Harper )-------------------------------------------------( 27 Mar 1997 ) Began to hit the pop star with an enormous nun-shaped ice lolly. Knowing that he couldn't win against these cold ecclesiastical beatings he promptly disappeared with a flash of fringe and spectacles. He put on his afro wig and .... -( Peter Crosby )-----------------------------------------------( 30 Mar 1997 ) started singing Spice Girls songs. God himself decided that this was too satanistic for words and as such, struck him down with a bolt of lightening which fried him to a crisp intstantly. This crisp was a walkers barbecue flavour crisp and some fat pie munching bastard called moose came and... -( Steven Gregory )---------------------------------------------( 31 Mar 1997 ) Mark edwards beamed in via Steven Gregory's Psycic link, munched some pies with moose and... -( Mark Evans )-------------------------------------------------( 31 Mar 1997 ) said " Im fat now like Gavin Ward " Gavin went over to Mark W house to see the wax practise in action. Mark was really enjoying his time with Greg and Nick. It suddenly strick Mark W " What would happen if them 2 went on holiday, i would be all lonely. So he decided to call up a mate who he call often and never wants to go out with, so he had a friend in reserve in case his 2 " Special " friends left. HE then decided he would return to the band practise where they were all.......... /s -( David Hart )-------------------------------------------------( 03 Apr 1997 ) Rolling cabbage leaves into spliffs and posting envelopes full of strawberry yoghurt through that person who is so stoopid (Yes, Andrea Libel)'s door. Joy! Suddenly all went quiet. Quiting (who had been holding onto the elastic band all the while) (quintin, even, sorry) stepped in and saved the day by turning the volume switch up. All was back to normal, except for the fact that all the black things had been painted white, and all the white things had been painted black! "How strange", thought Bert (The Magic... -( Ian Harper )-------------------------------------------------( 06 Apr 1997 ) flying dolphin who could whistle the sailors hornpipe while chirping a message that a young boy was in danger. It just so happenned that he knew that Quintin was in danger at this very moment as he had got a rather nasty gash from a rancid turnip which had been sharpened to a point by a wicked tribesman from aberystwyth. But luckily..... -( David Hart )-------------------------------------------------( 07 Apr 1997 ) ...the blu tak had run out three days previously, resulting in.. -( Ian Harper )-------------------------------------------------( 07 Apr 1997 ) A fighter pilot being detected on enemy radar because he had a conventional metal rolling pin. The american government was secretly working on a brand new set of cooking utensils in their top secret base in area 51 which was churning out top-secret radar invisible pastry tins and indestructible super plastic rolling pins which couldn't be detected and so went on to cause havoc in kitchens behind enemy lines where they... -( David Hart )-------------------------------------------------( 09 Apr 1997 ) could bake those apple pies well and truley without interruption by the enemies secret services (Such as Dustbin men, and Exterminators of rodents). The Americans previous attempt to fly these out of Area 51 had come to a somewhat dismalfailure when the navigator decided to log onto Digibank via a mobile phone link on that box that bleeps and I probably can't say. The call was traced using that truley great 1471 thing, and the plan was a somewhat pathetic failure. It does not need me to tell you that the navigator was... -( Ian Harper )-------------------------------------------------( 09 Apr 1997 ) A giant kit kat wrapped in a feather boa, wearing a three cornered hat at a rather coquettish angle. He took his hat off and threw it on the ground before the massed alien hordes of basildon and it began to spin around and mesmerize them. They knew that they were beaten by our superior earthling hats and they set off back whence they came, but on the way back they encountered a..... -( Robbie Record )----------------------------------------------( 18 Apr 1997 ) huge pile of spaghetti, strategically placed right in front of the Capital FM broadcasting tower. (hooray!) The kit kat squealed, just as our heros scooped up a bit and flicked it with an anti-radar spoon at it (the kit kat). The spaghetti dribbled down the kit kat and the kit kat said "I'm not dead, baby. .... -( Neil Kearns )------------------------------------------------( 19 Apr 1997 ) "I'm just eating an Apple Mac." At that moment, the Kit Kat was violently sick, so Mark Radcliffe came along, see, and said... -( Ian Harper )-------------------------------------------------( 20 Apr 1997 ) Greetings our kid. Ere lard, tha great southern bastred (sp.) come and ave a look at this new cd from alien spaghetti mongers. Corkin! To which lard replied... -( Stuart Feltham )---------------------------------------------( 20 Apr 1997 ) 'ooh my life'! Thats ruined it, he thought. Thinking fast, for the police had nearly managed to cut through the second door with the oxycetaline torch, he said... -( David Hart )-------------------------------------------------( 28 Apr 1997 ) .."Mmm, I'm not dead, I'm just taking a break", after which he picked up the break and lumbered off down the railway track which had suddenly appeared spreading chaos, confusion, and Angel Delight all over the place. The Angel Delight police arrived and took the Kit Kat posse to.. -( Davey Smith )------------------------------------------------( 05 May 1997 ) Elvis who sat on his big bean bag and ate them one by one. Once he had finished of the last one he said his legendery catch phrase "er by gum laddy" and then went to sleep. When he woke up.. -( Mark Judd )--------------------------------------------------( 05 May 1997 ) He went to see West Ham THRASH Sheffield Wednesday 5 - 1. He oculdnt believe his eyes, so he poked them out. No, it was true. Then... -( David Hart )-------------------------------------------------( 07 May 1997 ) he forgot how to support football teams and turned into a large green pickled onion with lots of little pickled onion people following him around. I think we're deviating from the story, said Phil, who had popped up from somewhere un popped. He said "We should all... -( William Lahr )-----------------------------------------------( 09 May 1997 ) try to do something about that" pointing towards a threateningly poised -( David Hart )-------------------------------------------------( 10 May 1997 ) banana skin. The banana skin leapt up to it's defence. "No, you will leave me alone to rot in peace". Everyone gulped in horror, and everyone else just sat down in shock. Noone new a banana skin could be so blunt.. -( Ian Harper )-------------------------------------------------( 10 May 1997 ) Apart frmo a big pile of gurgling filth which was decomposingf clowly inside the mouth of a giant siamese cat with a bomber jacket and stilleto heels. It slowly breathed it's foul odour all over london and everyone decided to leave which rsulted in.... -( William Lahr )-----------------------------------------------( 11 May 1997 ) the cat stopping them and saying "So you think there's something funny about males in stilleto heels? hmmm?" to which someone foolishly replied -( Afterdarc Developments )-------------------------------------( 17 May 1997 ) All I can say is that *Brentford* rule...... Now that is foolish -( Mark Evans )-------------------------------------------------( 18 May 1997 ) because everyone knows that West Ham rule ! ITs pretty obvious seeing as they have the best left back on the game. Rio Ferdinand only 18 and england under 21 and has shown up many players including Alan Shearer. Then you just need to look at the strikers, Kitson and Hartson what a combination. Now that sense has been restored, they decided to pop into a " famous " digibank meet, where the bloke ( whatever the main characters name was ) saw......... -( William Lahr )-----------------------------------------------( 18 May 1997 ) Chelsae (who are slightly better than west ham) win the FA cup. On seeing this he dramatically.... -( Mark Evans )-------------------------------------------------( 18 May 1997 ) thought to himself. Yes Chelsea might be slightly better than West Ham, but West ham dont spend millions of money to win things. On seeing Chelsea win the F.A cup he thought to himself, that Dennis Wise is a........ -( Edward Kelly )-----------------------------------------------( 18 May 1997 ) ...bout to be abolished, along with the rest of the characters in this footballing story. And he was right! Immediately, a very heavy and massive weight squashed the entire planet. Nobody survived. However, some light years away, King Zorb, the Unabsorbable Liquid Deity of the planet Kracatanovitch said: -( Robbie Record )----------------------------------------------( 19 May 1997 ) "I'm SO glad that football has been squashed forever! Now we can make an interesting story." So saying, he proceeded to tickle his mistress with a feather duster, who, giggling and squirming, slapped him in the face. Hard. King Zorb never recovered... Meanwhile, in the next room, strange things were happening with a bowl of fruit... -( William Lahr )-----------------------------------------------( 26 May 1997 ) A banana called bob was locked in a fridge with an evil curse laid by the great souceror Pentibum 200. For years bob had dreamt of freedom, but he was locked in by a curse that could only be broken by ...... -( Bradley Smith )----------------------------------------------( 27 May 1997 ) Mark Evans... playing football... -( Steven Gregory )---------------------------------------------( 29 May 1997 ) with the severed head of the virgin he had sacrificed earlier. Suddenly, a large carniverous guinea pig broke through the wall of the space-time continuum and screamed with rage. "I am the almightly bubbles," screeched he. "I am Mark Evans," quaked mark, trembling with every part of his insignificant body. "You are the cause of all these crap football games that people keep writing!" "Not guilty, stated mark." The guinea pig was so angered with these lies that he... -( William Lahr )-----------------------------------------------( 31 May 1997 ) cried, thus.... -( Edward Kelly )-----------------------------------------------( 01 Jun 1997 ) "Neep, neep-neep; neepie neepie neep" (Because, of course, guinea pigs have vocal cords designed so as to make it difficult to speak english.) However, All concerned got the gist of what he meant, which was as follows: -( Mark Evans )-------------------------------------------------( 02 Jun 1997 ) " Corr, West Ham are signing Berkovic and Robert Lee, gee you are clever to support such a good team, Mark " I ( Mark ) decided to give the hamster, or was it guinea pig, oh well same thing, a good kicking. I kicked it so hard that it landed at........... -( William Lahr )-----------------------------------------------( 07 Jun 1997 ) the bottom of Nelsons Columb in Trafalgar Square, frightening several tourists and endangering the life of all 7 million people who live in London. Luckily, in his secret underground cave between the sewers and the Picadilly Line, the worlds leading super hero was poised for action. his phone rang and the cheif of the Metropolitain Police siad with a quivering voice "Please help us oh ...... -( Becky Stone )------------------------------------------------( 10 Jun 1997 ) .......damn, i forgot to go to the bank! -( David Hart )-------------------------------------------------( 12 Jun 1997 ) which means that all the people (There only Ikkle!!) were not allowed to get back up again after that copper rushed in and said "Everybody down!" just so he could get through the toilet quickly" Oh well. Enough of these strawberry's already, we have more entertaining things to do, said Mark, looking at everybody through his legs. For example, when the phone starts to ring, I will stand and look at it, for it is a fun, yet harmless passtime. But the phone did ring, and the yugoslavian ringing it -( Davey Smith )------------------------------------------------( 12 Jun 1997 ) hung up as he decided now would be a good time to start a fund raising campaign for those people who had slightly large noses. In order to make a lot of money he decided to do a series of sponsed armed robbery's using a wet fish as a weapon. The next day he went to see the local fisherman. When he got there he asked what type of fish he should use and the fisherman said... -( Edward Kelly )-----------------------------------------------( 13 Jun 1997 ) "When attempting a bank job, always use a metallic halibut with clockwork bowel movements." When asked why, he continued "The metallic halibut will frighten the bank clerks with its rectal ticking, and will hypnotise them. They will immediately be quite unable to spell, or use the story store. But more to the point, they won't be able to press the alarm button." Mark decided, being a thoroughly decent chap, to ignore the lunatic, and... -( Stu Nicholls )-----------------------------------------------( 17 Jun 1997 ) visited his old school friend Larry...The lunatic, who just happened to own the largest collection of pump action spud guns this side of Hilda's large butt...So he put the cat out, as this helps him to... -( Irene Simpson )----------------------------------------------( 22 Jun 1997 ) Blow up large balloons of helium and.... -( Davey Smith )------------------------------------------------( 14 Jul 1997 ) then inhail the helium so his voice would sound funny. Once the helium had affected his voice he decided to dress up as a clown and try to use this brilliant disguise to help him rob the bank. When he arrived at the bank he suddenly felt an overwelming erge to throw custard pies at everyone and get hit by blanks of wood. He now felt more interested in performing as a clown in order to bring joy and delight to all the little children who visit circuses so he changed his mind about robbing the bank. So . . . -( Mark Evans )-------------------------------------------------( 26 Jul 1997 ) he decided to think about how he could get people to write in this door more often, as if you see the dates no one has wrote here in ages. He thought to himself that the removal of the swear filter could provide a little more entertainment. After bondering for a while he tried to work out an explanation for the sudden disapering of Irene Simpson. He worked out that the reason why she left was because.......... -( Tim Jones )--------------------------------------------------( 04 Aug 1997 ) She'd gone to see the clown act at the bank. Then he suddenly thought to himself... What could I do that would really make a change in the world? I know, he said, I could start up a group for people who want to find partners with similar interests to themselves. (Why do I want to do this? he thought) Being the conscientious person that he was, he decided that he'd have to get some help, so he enlisted the talents of ... /S -( Stu Nicholls )-----------------------------------------------( 08 Aug 1997 ) Pussy Galoreand her band of hot and sweaty pussies. (as they have just finished a long and HARD work-out with A Marine. After half an hour they became bored and left their lurve boat in tight yellow spandex, when suddenly in rushed......... -( Matt Browne )------------------------------------------------( 25 Aug 1997 ) ... Terry Wogan! I know what to do, "He said! Let's take a train off to Aberdeen. I like Aberdeen." Unfortunately there were a few things wrong with the train. Instead of seats there were a series of strange, pulsating white lights. The roof spiralled into itself in an infinite psychadelic explosion of colours, light and strange noises. The buffet car was replaced with a carriage full of strawberry yoghurt... -( Luke Stutters )----------------------------------------------( 06 Sep 1997 ) and from nowhere agent mulder appeared. uhoj he sed theres a severe case of quintinparkeritus going on here. thers only one way to get rid of the halluctinatory virus and that is to... -( Dylan Piergies )---------------------------------------------( 10 Sep 1997 ) fire a rocket fuelled by cabbage into the victim's eye. After performing this treatment everything went black for a second. Just then, everyone reappeared including the goldfish, the Shaman and all other characters from the first story. Then Pamela Anderson appeared and started stripping. Nobody cared and just made remarks about her being plastic - apart from Ian Ladd who became so excited that he almost dropped his -( David Hart )-------------------------------------------------( 15 Sep 1997 ) small tray of raspberry tartlets. It was great fun laughing at this minor and really quite insignificant act, but it was either that or go to a cornor shop to stock up on corners, and because everybody already had the complete set nobody really wanted to do that. Instead they all sat down and played silly tunes on a range of polysteirine instruments with silly names, such as Gazoo's, Mongolian Ear Trombones and Saxon Skull Beater-ers. In fact, the sound was so moving everybody felt compelled to get up and... -( Edward Kelly )-----------------------------------------------( 25 Sep 1997 ) move about a bit. Suddenly, and totally unexpectedly, everyone was covered in a thick layer of purple yoghourt, and each had a large cuban cigar in his mouth. 'Oh no,' they cried in unison, 'Our beloved silly instruments have become cuban cigars. We must find a way to change them back.' But at that very moment, sixty two razor sharp kitchen knives and one fruit knife flew in through the window. Everyone was killed, except for a small yellow horse named Norman, who had caught the fruit knife, and was... -( David Hart )-------------------------------------------------( 30 Sep 1997 ) playing a particularly mindless, yet still bizzarly relaxing piece of music by using it to chop grapefruits ever so melodiously. Suddenly, out of the grapefruit, came a sudden thought!. "Where did you come from?", Norman asked the sudden thought. "I have been trapped in that grapefruit ever since...err .." "Ever since what?" "Just ever since". "Oh, ok", replied Norman, whose yellowness was beginning to dazzle the sudden thought. The sudden thought suddenly thought - what if it whispered something to Norman. So it did. It -( Chris Park )-------------------------------------------------( 04 Oct 1997 ) drew it`s mouth close to Norman`s ear, and then sucked his brains out through a metal straw. Norman wandered off gibbering, and the thought, fortified by the large meal of brains it had just eaten, and metamorphosed into Boris the cat, a small cat which travelled with a constant velocity. Boris then travveled to Luton, where he enjoyed Mice and Sheep until suddenly he felt the ground collapsing under his feet. He counteracted this by singing a song called -( Russ Webster )-----------------------------------------------( 19 Oct 1997 ) "Brains Brains what are Brains" By Paul Raine, he wandered off further till he fell in the sea and drowned. THE END. There was once an mauve carrot who was a millionaire, he made all his money by being shoved up peoples bums... -( Chris Park )-------------------------------------------------( 19 Oct 1997 ) Until one tragic day, when, during his money making activites, he was surprised to see a hedgehog accompanying him. He ran for the cover, and was just in time, as at that moment, the hedgehog exploded!! The carrot, who was called Gilbert 'Radioactive' Ennoble, or Gilby to his friends, ran away as people pursued him. He ran off, but was stopped by a big tree trunk. This tree trunk helped him up, and placed him on a passing jet plane. The plane landed in the River Thames, and Gilby ran off until he reached the big -( David Hart )-------------------------------------------------( 12 Nov 1997 ) greasy chip that someone had conciensously dropped at the end of the street. "I am that champion!" he yelled, holding the chip aloft (sorry, typos - I'm plastered - DH) What a strange thing for a carrot to do! thought a passing MOT test. Not a tester, mind, a test itself, for that is more silly than singing "I actually like AL, no really!" three times in sucession. Lardidar, thought the carrot, I can hold this chip aloft! But the chip defied the carrot, leaped down, struck itself into a typical b-action movie stance, and -( Chris Park )-------------------------------------------------( 16 Nov 1997 ) fell over in a heap on the ground. "Aha, that was easy" said Gilby the carrot, and he begun to sing a cheerful tune. His ambience was not to last long, as along came Mark Evans in his Steamroller, who crushed Gilby into the ground. Gilby picked himself up, only to face Mark driving at him again with an evil look on his face. Gilby redirected Mark with his remote control device, and Mark crashed. Down flew Iris the Chicken, who had come back from her world tour. She saw Mark, and Mark and Iris begun to /s -( Quintin Parker )---------------------------------------------( 24 Nov 1997 ) The very strange practise of /s-ing is documented in many ancient annals. In order to find out exactly what /s-ing was, Gilby went on a quest... In the centre of the earth was a old teracotta vase with infernal patterns on, and inside were old Nordic scrolls... with his retinue of cameramen, journalists and groupies, hee climbed up to the top of tje old Icelandic volcano, got to he top, opened a rock in a cave, and went into a purple -( Edward Kelly )-----------------------------------------------( 30 Nov 1997 ) fit of anger (he described it as 'purple' because he was a distictly 'arty' individual), then threw his entire entourage into the smoking magma. As the steam from their boiling bodily juices reached his noatrils, he had a very familiar dream. One day, while walking through a dark and forboding forest, he came across a small yellow horse, named, as it happened, Norman. This horse immediately drew a peculiarly large and vicious knife, and slashed at his... -( Chris Park )-------------------------------------------------( 02 Dec 1997 ) small herring he carried about with him. The herring was naturally distressed and ate Norman. The herring then ate Freddy Starr, Ringo Starr, and Buck Rogers, but was then captured by Gilby, from whom the herring had escaped. Gilby apologised to the eaten celebrities, and then continued on his way. However, he was not to get far, as KNOT apperared from nowhere, and would not let him past if he didn't but 23 christmas hats. He could not do so, because -( Edward Kelly )-----------------------------------------------( 05 Dec 1997 ) blinded by the herring's flapping tail, he had tried to commit hara-kiri, but ended up stabbing himself in the left back hoof, affixing it to a tree. His frenzied neighing bought the sympathy of the others. They tugged at the knife one by one, but even with Freddie Starr's bulk, they could not shift it. Then they all linked up in an improbably comic chain, and pulled together. The knife shot out, and due to freak weather conditions and extraordinary malcoordination, the whole line of them were impaled and killed. Norman left -( Quintin Parker )---------------------------------------------( 06 Dec 1997 ) singing, `Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! (you get the general idea)' As Damon Albarn was passing, he suddenly got inspired. Norman with his new found fortunes from the following court case, decided to buy a big wobbly -( Edward Kelly )-----------------------------------------------( 06 Dec 1997 ) halibut generator. He was constantly in need of fresh halibut for two reasons they were useful for sharpening his collection of extremely sharp knives, and were also his favourite ammunition for throwing at passing pop stars. Having bought the halibut generator, he had a final look around the shop, and to his horror saw a Peter Mandelson glove puppet sitting on a far away shelf. After nearly having 3 heart attacks, Norman argued with the proprietor for a refund, and bought the puppet instead for his own nefarious plans, namely to -( Jon Ripley )-------------------------------------------------( 07 Dec 1997 ) run an elaborate election fraud to try to get the puppet elected to be the prime minister of England where he planned to make halibut the staple food of the Brits and to make sure that the mad aliens that were controlled by the evil mad Dr. Knot would sell everybody in the country his magic but very dangerous christmassy hats with flashing lights. Unknown to all but Dr Knot himself, the hats were actually cleverly disguised mind control devices with the bonus of the hypnotic pull of those deadly flashing lights. His plan was -( Edward Kelly )-----------------------------------------------( 08 Dec 1997 ) however, deeply flawed, as the hats were made mostly of halibut, and therefore malfunctioned on a fairly regular basis. Once the hats were distributed, the people who wore them were driven into an insane cake-making frenzy, and soon almost the entire population of Great Britain drowned in a giant bowl of cake mix erected in Greenwich to mark the millenium. The Peter Mandelson puppet was duly elected by the three surviving people, Dr Knot, Norman, and A.G Halibut, of Solihul. These four lived happily until... -( Quintin Parker )---------------------------------------------( 08 Dec 1997 ) they disappeared into the Jubilee line extension. `Oh no!', thought the Tube bosses, `What are we going to do with our nice shiny new Jubilee line extension ?' `I know!' replied another. `Let's fill it to the brim with halibut!! So there was halibut from Stanmore to Stratford, which caused -( Jon Ripley )-------------------------------------------------( 09 Dec 1997 ) nothing to happen because 2 people ago ALL the people in Great Britian had actually died, not that the writers had noticed... Well, not really but anyway the evil bosses of the tube filled it with TNT and used the remains of Quintin Parker as a fuse. Before runnung away to Germany they lit Quintins head and 5 mins later the whole of Great Britian blew up and there was nothing left. The dust cloud wiped out all life on Earth -( Quintin Parker )---------------------------------------------( 10 Dec 1997 ) apart from a small beetle called Yelpir Noj, who heard a bit of a rumble outside his hole in Mongolia and decided once things had quietened down that he should go out and investigate. Looking out at the barren wilderness of devastation before him, he was reminded of his time at the University of Hertfordshire, where he gained a MA in Child Language Development, and subsequently died of despair. For it was, five years previously, when Yelpir had moved away from Watford, something tragic yet highly amusing happened ... -( Jon Ripley )-------------------------------------------------( 10 Dec 1997 ) A small boy called Quintin stepped on him and squished him all over a piece of paper which was subsequently displayed at the national gallery and earned the boy a fortune which he used to build a magical machine which would unsquash Yelpir Noj (which oddly enough is Jon Ripley backwards). Luckily the machine worked and little Yelpir was set free to go on his merry way. The End...Or is it just the beginning, find out in the fascinating next part -( Quintin Parker )---------------------------------------------( 15 Dec 1997 ) while everybody hurried to bring the story to a satisfactory conclusion before Digibank closed for good. Yelpir, Norman, Quintin, Marc, Mark, Irene, Ian, and all the other bods in the story saw the end credits begin to roll. `Quick!' cried Marc. `Do something surreal!' `Okay,' replied MarkWallace, who spontaneously turned himself inside out to the amusement of everybody -( Jon Ripley )-------------------------------------------------( 15 Dec 1997 ) who suddenly died. /S -( Quintin Parker )---------------------------------------------( 16 Dec 1997 ) `That was a bit of a poo,' said everybody as they came out of the cinema. `It didn't seem to have much of a story to it at all.' Barry Norman, Christopher Tookey and all the other film reviewers concurred, and gave it two stars only. Therefore, `The Story Store (18)' was fatd to be another film in the graveyard of the British film industry funded by Lottery cash, and to be shown again and again at Christmas on Channel 5. `Never mind,' thought the director Quintin Parker, as he packed up his bag and headed for home. -( Chris Park )-------------------------------------------------( 16 Dec 1997 ) The director should then make a text copy of this and upload it for all his l loyal readers to keep (hint!) -( Quintin Parker )---------------------------------------------( 17 Dec 1997 ) ****** ****** T H E E N D ****** ****** Cast: Quintin Parker Himself Brian J. Beetle : Yelpir Noj - Stunt Double : -( Chris Park )-------------------------------------------------( 17 Dec 1997 ) Gilby Jeff Minter Norman the Horse Mark Evans Mr Henry "Annoying" Jones KNOT Jon Ripley Andy Nelson Andy Nelson Jon Ripley The Shaman Himself Bob the Fish WLW -( Quintin Parker )---------------------------------------------( 17 Dec 1997 ) Fish the Bob F15H Strawberry Yoghurt Not again Gherkins Yummy Olives Bleugh ! All characters and incidents portrayed in this story are fictional except -( Jon Ripley )-------------------------------------------------( 18 Dec 1997 ) the ones listed above who continue to live happily in a parallel universe where although this story is about to come to an end for us here in our dimension, in the other, it will continue on forever... Actually, the Quintin who lives in this other universe along with a whole host of others keep a story going on about people in our universe... Just for you out there here is an excerpt... -( Quintin Parker )---------------------------------------------( 20 Dec 1997 ) -- In fact : any attempt to put it into the story is getting nobbled by the swear filter. Yikes! What kind of debauched, immoral, evil lives do they think we lead ??? No, don't answer that. But in the case of Irene Simpson there is at least -( Jon Ripley )-------------------------------------------------( 20 Dec 1997 ) something that can be done to improve her chances of -( Chris Park )-------------------------------------------------( 21 Dec 1997 ) being voted "Coolest person in the universe", these chances being fairly high anyway. However, the author of this is a confirmed -( Quintin Parker )---------------------------------------------( 21 Dec 1997 ) poet who has just got a record deal with EMI for several million quid. Here is one of the poems that made him famous, in neat rhyming couplets! Parsnips from Heaven ==================== When I go into the garden, and dig down with my spade, I find some buried treasure, which the fair soil has made - -( Jon Ripley )-------------------------------------------------( 22 Dec 1997 ) -( Quintin Parker )---------------------------------------------( 22 Dec 1997 ) The above entry into the Story was championed as a universally constrasting, post-ironic minimalist masterpiece, and Jon Ripley was awarded the highest award the Arts Academy gave, which was -( Chris Park )-------------------------------------------------( 23 Dec 1997 ) a slap in the face with a wet fish. Jon was so pleased, he composed a great poem, which went: My name is Mystic Meg I love my crystal ball I only have one leg And down the stairs I fall. Jon loved this poem, but everyone else didn't, so they all -( Quintin Parker )---------------------------------------------( 26 Dec 1997 ) decided the story had to end for real this time, and made Jon give back his award, namely by way of slapping every single person in the world with a wet fish until they were dead. Seventy two years later -( Jon Ripley )-------------------------------------------------( 29 Dec 1997 ) he was dead so it didn't really make any difference. -( Chris Park )-------------------------------------------------( 29 Dec 1997 ) Until a week later when he rose from the dead to sing to the world "I love digibank and it should go on forever" -( Jon Ripley )-------------------------------------------------( 29 Dec 1997 ) and promptly died again. \s \s \s (And frustrated...The story writer desperately tried to send his latest installment of what was to become the greatest story ever written.) \s -( Quintin Parker )---------------------------------------------( 30 Dec 1997 ) Then he realised he was doing it the wrong way, and in actal fact the entire sotry sh9uld have been backwards. Then Quintin got violently sick all over the story. Never eat prawn curry. Is this the end? -( Jon Ripley )-------------------------------------------------( 30 Dec 1997 ) Or is it just a new beginning? Considering that the story is backwards anyway perhaps all I can say is... ...saw ereht emit a nopu ecnO -( Quintin Parker )---------------------------------------------( 31 Dec 1997 ) a small fish called Monty, who used to swim about in his fish bowl. Then suddenly, Monty didn't want to, so he -( Jon Ripley )-------------------------------------------------( 31 Dec 1997 ) ...A sullen expression crossed the face of John Stonier (the wonderful sysop) as he switched off his computer. A solitary tear rolled down his cheek as the screen faded. Absolute silence consumed the room as the hard drive whirred to a halt, the reign of Digital Databank - king of the Acorn BBS world - had finally ended... Then, an echoing voice broke the silence. 'Goodbye Digibank - We will all miss you.` -( The End! )------------------------------------------------------------------ Thanks to everybody who contributed, whether clueless, funny, bizarre, or anything ! Quintin Parker Steven Gregory Matthew Stone Neil Kearns Robert Purchase Irene Simpson Bradley Smith Davey Smith Emma Scott David Cutting Jean Judd Ben Jeffreys Stuart Nicholls Syed Ansar Mark Evans Claudia Lane Philip Dickenson Mark Judd Owen Shave Robbie Record David Hart David Llewelyn Peter Crosby Stuart Feltham Paul Raine Ian Harper William Lahr Mark Wallace Matt Browne Edward Kelly Andrew Titman Luke Stutters Becky Stone Dylan Piergies Russ Webster Tim Jones Chris Park Jon Ripley Now, as the Storymaster, let me quickly take up a little bit more of your time to dish out some awards ... **** The Hush Puppies award for the most sensible entry : This was tricky, due to the complete lack of sensible entries. However, for relative sobriety, the winner of this award is probably CLAUDIA LANE (24 Jan 1997) For the most normal advancement of the story narrative here : Miss Lane won the award because she was the only contender. **** Most Enigmatic entry : BECKY STONE (10 Jun 1997) Erm, thanks to Becky for making our lives a lot simpler. **** Egotist of the Year award : Another hard one to judge here, between David `The Shaman' Llewellyn and Mark Wallace, and perhaps Mark Judd. But in retrospect, the award has to go to: MARK WALLACE for not even reading the other person's previous part half of the time, continuously advertising his band, and ghettoing the Story Store so that only three people knew what he was talking about. **** Pathetic Entry Award : WILLIAM LAHR (31 May 1997) Please William! We know you could have done better than that.. **** The Tony Blair Award for Best Forcible Change Of Subject EDWARD KELLY (18 May 1997) Mr Kelly managed to more or less rid the Story of football for good with this opportunistic yet finely crafted outburst of rage at the monotony of the Story. A well deserved accolade. **** The Peter Stringfellow `Close To The Quick' Award : STU NICHOLLS (08 Aug 1997) Somehow, this escaped the filter. Still, a little smut now and again doesn't harm anyone. Especially if your six year old nephew is BBSing with you. **** Stressed Out Storywriter : JON RIPLEY (29 Dec 1997) It's `/s', not `\s'. :-) **** The Val Doonican Memorial Prize for the Worst Taste In Music MARK WALLACE Dear me. **** Most Imaginative Individual : I'd have liked to have given this award to lots of people - in the running, among many others, were Edward Kelly, Paul Raine, Neil Kearns, Ian Harper, Irene Simpson, Jon Ripley & my good self :-) But the winner is DAVID HART for his healthy mix of surrealism, and er... more surrealism. Potatoes. **** Most Heartbreaking Entry : JON RIPLEY (31 Dec 1997) Sob! **** Worst Entry : Again, a hard choice. I've already given out awards for the most egotistical etc, but I'm sure you'd agree that this award can only go to MARK EVANS (18 May 1997) and numerous other of his entries, for lack of imagination and continual reference to football. And you think *we're* geeks !? **** Best Entry : And finally, this was never going to be easy, and in fairness I can't choose any of my own :) so, in the end, I've plumped for MATT BROWNE (25 Aug 1997) Very cool, Matt. Well done! It's a shame this was the only entry you made. Again, many thanks to those who've helped the Story become so successful, and Happy New Year to you all. Byeeee... Don't go mad! Quintin :-)