SIGNS OF GROWING OLDER

You sit down to put on your socks.

You go up stairs one at a time.

The hair on your head disappears - and re-appears in your nostrils, your
  ears and your ear lobes.

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

The gleam in your eyes is from sun hitting your bifocals.

You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere.

Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

You need glasses to find your glasses.

Your children began to look middle aged.

You get winded playing cards.

You get winded playing cards.

You join a health club and don't go.

You finally reach the top of the ladder, and find its leaning against the
  wrong wall.

Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your favourite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."

You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.

You regret all those times you resisted temptation.

After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying
  the second coat.

You just can't stand people who are intolerant.

You burn the midnight oil after 9:00 p.m.

You back goes out more than you do.

The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine
  cabinet.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

YOU WONDER WHY MORE PEOPLE DON'T USE THIS SIZE PRINT.

Light bulbs aren't as bright as they used to be.

Newspaper ink isn't as black as it used to be.

That clock that used to go "ting" now just goes "thuk".

The weight you "put on over Christmas" is still there as you approach the
  next Christmas.


You Can Tell You're Getting Old When:
*************************************

Dialing long-distance wears you out.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
You get winded playing games on the computer.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
Burning the "midnight oil" now means roughly at 8:00 PM.
"25 Years Ago Today..." is the favourite part of the paper.
Almost everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The only "gleam in your eye" is the sun hitting your bifocals.
You regret all those times in the past you resisted temptation.
You can't stand all those damn stupid people who are intolerant.
After painting the town red, you can no longer apply a 2nd coat.
That sweet young thing you were just gonna hit on calls you sir.
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic.
Your pacemaker opens the garage door as you watch a girl walk by.
You decide to procrastinate, and yet never quite get around to it.
Your "little black book" contains way too many names ending in M.D.
You feel like the morning after, yet you haven't even been anywhere.
Growing old doesn't seem so bad now when you consider the alternative.
You know all of the answers, but nobody asks you the questions anymore.
There's too much room in the house & not enough in the medicine cabinet.


More.....

You know you're getting old when...


* You see a beautiful woman walking her dog and start daydreaming about
  the breed and how much it's worth.

* You sweat just putting on your socks.

* You wonder why you're still carrying a comb in your back pocket.

* You start counting your change and using coupons at the supermarket.

* You wet yourself just by sneezing.

* You suck in your belly and shit in your pants.

* You actually "read" the articles in Playboy magazines.

* You get a hard-on but your arthritis won't let you........

* You get a hard-on and your wife "doesn't" have a headache.

* You talk to your plants and they won't listen.

* Relatives start asking you what you'll be leaving them.

* Personal hygiene is no longer that important.

* You've stopped worrying about your receding hairline.

* You find your hand going for your genitals all the time.

* People start saying you look like Ernest Hemingway.

* People ask if your wife is your daughter.

* You actually want to vote.

* Kids think "Woodstock" is a bird.

* Birthdays no longer matter.